This past year has been extremely tough on me emotionally. I knew that having a child would change my life, but I never imagined that I would lose my social life COMPLETELY. I literally have ONE friend now. Every "friend" I had before I got pregnant has totally disappeared. Even my two "best friends" have become even closer with one another and alienated me. I live in between the two of them (both live about 7 blocks away from me) but they pass up my house to get to one another. I am not expecting anyone to change their lives because mine has but it would be nice if they would acknowledge the fact that I have a child. I don't even get a "Hello" text message.
Since coming to CSULA, I have not made a single friend. It's hard to meet new people when I only go to school and come straight home. It is nearly impossible for me to join a club because I have my son and I can only leave him with his grandmother for so long. Although I do have this wonderful child and I am in a relationship, there is nothing like having that bond with another person outside of family. Whenever I am feeling frustrated or angry or even happy, I can tell my son's father but it's just not the same. And I can't tell my son about my day because he could care less at his age. I speak to some people in class but it never goes outside of the classroom.
I wish I could go back to elementary when you can just walk up to someone and ask "Would you be my friend?" and you would be friends with them AT LEAST for the rest of the school year. Why can't things be simple like they were when we were kids? Now, I feel like once I tell someone that I'm a mother, they automatically judge me and count out all possibilities of us having any further conversations. I think I'm a good person and I do have an identity outside of motherhood. I just wish I had someone to hang out with, have lunch with, and do homework with BESIDES my son's father because I don't want us to get on each other's nerves.
Even though I am never actually alone, I feel lonely a lot of the time....
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ReplyDeletedon’t have children myself, so I can’t say I know how it feels to be in your position. But I have felt lonely many times in my life. It can be frustrating when you enter a new phase of life and you lose contact with your network of friends. The change can be emotionally difficult for them as well. I am sure, just like you are nervous about having a new baby in your life, your friends might be feeling confused and awkward and don’t know how to approach the friendship knowing you have new responsibilities. There is always a transition period. Also, I hate to sound cliché, but when god closes a door he/she opens a window. This could end up being a new opportunity to meet different people and forge new friendships. Have you ever thought about starting your own club for student mothers? It could be computer based, Skype, having someone to text or once a month cocktails and kids. You may even find mothers that would like to study with you. You could socialize, the kids would have someone to play with and you could get some homework done. Win-win. I am sure there are other mothers on campus that are feeling the same as you. Even by posting this you are reaching out. I know that it is hard to make new friends in this kind of hectic environment. Many of us are trying to juggle work, family and school which hardly leaves any of us a social life. But, keep reaching out, eventually you’ll find that there are several people out there who are willing to reach back.
ReplyDeleteI, too, have a child. My life changed the second I stopped smoking and drinking. Going to church also stopped some friends from wanting to get closer to me. I'm not the same person to my friends. My spouse could care less about my chages. I hope my spouse can I see that I've given up many things in life to become a better image for the family and to be a person that people would love to hang out with, but like you, I come home to my spouse and my child.
ReplyDeleteAll I have is blogging, my spiritual walk, and school papers.
Be strong, you're not alone.
I feel lonely at times as well. I had to make a change in my life( for the better) and this caused me to lose many of my "friends". It's so hard to find quality friends and put yourself out there. If people judge you because you have a child, then they aren't worth your time anyway. Everyone feels lonely at times, but you are not alone! You will find the people that can love you for who you are. Even though I don't know you, you can find a friend in me!! :)
ReplyDelete@Bhava-I actually mentioned that very idea to my son's father. I don't know exactly how to go about it but I know that there are many mothers (and fathers) on campus who are going through this very problem. I was thinking about doing some research on starting a club or support group on campus. I may actually take steps towards making that happen
ReplyDeleteThank You @TheLoudOne and @Jam...I try not to let it get me down but there are those times when I get extremely emotional about it
ReplyDeleteamazingly honest post, Happy2BMe. A good step. Many people recognized in their papers the need that is served by being forthcoming about our behavior. You did that here. Keep keeping your eye on the ball - keep your objetive clear. The friend(s) will appear one day.
ReplyDeleteTo add onto my last post...I have heard of "mommy and me" classes and activities. That may be something you can attend to meet more mothers. Here's a link to some fitness classes: http://losangeles.cbslocal.com/top-lists/best-mommy-and-me-fitness-classes-in-los-angeles/ . I hope that gives you some ideas!
ReplyDeleteThank you for opening up to the blogging community. My experience with my circle of friends is that we give those who have partners and kids their space. Whenever they want to hang out they can send us a text or facebook. We understand life changes when you have kids and when you have a significant other so maybe you need to reach out to them. You will be surprise to find out that maybe they are assuming YOU wanted space to build the foundation for your family. Its not the same kind of friendship . . maybe in the past they would text you about a movie . . or dinner . . or dancing . . but now you have more important priorities. . A true friendship changes with time and gains a new form with each new stage of life . . but don't let a friendship fade cause of lack of communication. Any relationship requires the participation of both individuals
ReplyDeleteI know exactly how u feel.. when I was in high school I started talking to my fiancè and at the time I had a best friend.. before I got with my fiancè.. I would always be with her we would be at eachothers house all the time and have all of our classes together... after I started going out with my fiancè she would tell me I was a bad friend and would hate me hanging out with my fiancè.. but we would hangout together the whole day at school.. she never had a bf in her life.. and she couldn't understand that I wanted to have time with both of them... we started going our spret ways and finally she got a boyfriend and a while later got pregnant... she would always say she never had time to hangout cuz she tried ballancing everything.. she knew then what I was going thro.. till this day I feel sad that she coulnt understand that I cared for both her friendship and my new relationship... I feel alone at time.. and I can vent with my fiancè so much.. Personally, I admire moms that are going to school, because I have several friends that have kids and they don't make them any diffrent.. be strong and I know that sooner or later u will find a person to whom you had that connection like ur friends
ReplyDeleteI am also a new mother and I am going through the exact same thing. My life changed drastically after having my son. The friends I had before having a baby have completely disappeared. I went through a phase were I felt isolated. I still feel that way sometimes especially at school. But it does get better. I am slowly building new relationships, mostly with other mothers. I think your idea about starting a club for mothers is fantastic. I would definitely join!
ReplyDeletei am not a mother but i definitely know how it is to feel lonely i get in these strange moods where i feel lonely and just wish i was a kid again worry free and not having to think about anything.. friends come and go and the true ones always stay. you still have many more people to meet in life.
ReplyDeleteit's weird cause just this past Saturday- i had an emotional break down,i got so depressed and couldn't understand why...i too, am not really alone but feel like i am at times. school has definetly changed the people i hang out with and i feel as though i only keep in touch with them through Facebook...like others said i think that we are going through a transition where life is changing and school, work, and family is shaping the relationships we keep, the new ones that will develop and those that will impact our lives....your not alone in your struggles and it seems this campus can emphatize with most of us bloggers...
ReplyDeleteWow!
ReplyDeleteI wasn't expecting so many responses to this post. When I wrote it, I was simply venting. However, it feels really good to know that I have the support of others and that I am not the only one feeling this way.
Thank you everyone :)
Well i don't know who this is yet, if its my class.lol. But i have come through people that i have meet through school or work in which they feel lonely. and i always tell people, look i know we might not know me as well but im one of the people you can talk to.I have made a difference in people lifes because i like talking to ppl a lot. I like to meet new people and where they come from and their troubles. And you never know, you and that person may have things in common and can be really good friends. And if you would like to talk to someone, im here. thats what college is for, to meet people and people tend to like me. So you can talk to me as well as anyone in this blog=]=]
ReplyDeleteI feel you on this one. At the moment the only person I consider my friend is my boyfriend and even so I feel that I can't always count on him. I used to be a socialite in high school but the reason I had so many friends was because I was being someone other than myself. Basically I was attracting people who were not really my friends. When I decided to move on with my life and leave all my so-called friends behind me things really started to change for the better. There are times when I reminisce about the good times I used to have getting drunk and partying all night but I know that my life is much better now just the way it is. I would much rather have no friends that a lot of "fake" friends any day. Hang in there. Things will get better and good people will come into your life when you least expect it.
ReplyDeletei think the reason u mite have gotta a lot of responses is cuz in one way or another we all get lonely at one point. It is hard making friends. I think getting to know other mothers would be a start in making new friends. Take your son to a park. Just start up a convo w/ another parent and set up a play date....and there u go..its a start of a beautiful new friendship. Lol....im serious tho.
ReplyDeleteEver since I started college I can honestly say I have not made one friend either. I went to community college and have been at csula for almost a year. I know I have this look about me that says "leave me alone" I get that all the time. Usually when I am at school I just focus on that then I leave. I have friends outside of school and my dance team that I hangout with so I never really mix the two. Since moving up here it is hard because they are all in sd and during the week im up here alone. One thing I can say is that I give you props for taking care of your son and being their for him. As much as it might get hard sometimes and you wish to have more of a social life at least he is your first priority, I have a lot of friends that are young mothers and they go out partying all the time. I believe it is important to have also have a social life but your children should come first. I hope you find people to be friends with but congrats to you for handling biz
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