Hey Everyone,
Since I've been reading everyone posting personal struggles on the blog, I've decided to give it a shot and hopefully get some good advice. Here it goes. This past year was a really tough one for me, I lost my mother to cancer in June. At the same time my father was going through cancer as well. Thank god he has recovered completely and is healthy as a horse for now. I am the youngest in my family, I have a sister who as well passed away 3 years ago, and an older brother who lives out of state. Here is the issue. I am turning 24, and I recently moved back home to help my dad after my mom's passing. He is dating already and he's kinda being a jerk to me. I feel like im 15 years old al over again. I have to check in with him, he's enforcing a curfew and to be honest is very verbally abusive. I've been going to a therapist on a weekly basis. Everyone is telling me to move out and live my life, and I want to move on and be happy...however....I feel soooo guilltyyy!!! How should I tell my old man that he's going to be by himself, and that he depresses me. I think culturally, as a latina, we are encouraged to always be dependent of our families. How do I break this?
You should just move away and as you said he is dating again and won't be alone. I understand he's a parent, but you also cannot live your life like that because later on you will end up having issues.
ReplyDeleteJust because you move out does not mean you are leaving him alone. You can visit whenever you want, maybe spend a few nights every now and then and then there are other family members that can visit him as well. Once you move out of your parents house there is no going back lol. You have been on your own and that makes it very hard to go back to the old rules/ways. He is a grown man and makes his own choices and has to deal with those results.
ReplyDeleteIf it was my father I would just be honest with him. Tell him how he is making you feel and that you might need to move out soon to better yourself. If he does not change his ways or try to at least, then that's on him. You can not take care of other people if you are not first taking care of yourself.
As for his dating "already", everyone has their own ways of dealing with loss. He sounds like he is also hurting and does not want to be alone. But he will be if he does not change his ways. But sometimes people need help changing or even be told that they need to change (but only HE can change himself).
It's completely understandable how you feel about not wanting to leave your dad alone. However, there's going to be repercussions later on if you let the situation be as it is right now. My advice is to talk to him and tell him how you feel. if that doesn't work out, then just move out.
ReplyDeleteyou should move out and do your own thing and
ReplyDeleteyou can still visit your dad and help him out with money or whatever he needs and you should not feel guilty at all
my pops kicked me out of the house when i was 17 and we're tighter than ever now...you only have one dad and you should look out for him...let him date and be happy but you definitely have to leave the nest...you dig what i'm saying?
I think that the two ppl above who said "tell him how this makes you feel" have the key. Start there, then go with what you get back. When a woman tells a man (even a father) about her feelings, then the traditional man's dictate can kick in: he provides. So are those the feelings he wishes to provide?
ReplyDeleteThanks everyone. To be honest with you I have attempted to tell him how I feel but he has an art of turning things around. Last time I mentioned to him that Im leaving, I was calm, I tried to explain to him that this is a good thing because im independent, and he told me that If I move he's going to move back to our home country. He also says pretty insulting things to me, like that the only reason I want to move out is to be a slut! He's just really difficult to deal with. I was thinking about writting him a letter instead. Hopefully that works :) Thank you everyone.
ReplyDeletenote the distinction: everything you mentioned is what you are going to DO, or who you "ARE". this is not telling him how you FEEL. the distinction may be subtle, and it is precisely why it is important. Not what you will DO, not who you "ARE", and certainly not what he "should do." How you feel. then stop.
ReplyDeleteFirst, my condolences for your loss. I can't imagine what it is like to lose a parent. Second, my parents divorced when I was 17. My mother quickly remarried, but my father did not. Recently, he began dating again. And similar to you, he has been a jerk, especially when he is not getting along with his MUCH younger girlfriend (yeah, that went over real well with my brothers and I), who I despise. I have told my father many times how his actions affect everything in my life, down to my own relationship with my boyfriend of three years (thank the maker he is patient with my family madness), but he does not seem to care. Given, my father is in his late 60's but he is acting like someone in his 30's. Like everyone told you, tell him how you feel but you must take a stand. And stick with it. I know it will make you feel like crap and guilty, but you have to do what is right for you. I have been honest with my father and he threw in what Tabor said about providing. But he pretty much said "yeah, I know" but did nothing about it. But now, as of recently, I am the main support he has next to his own income because my brother is useless. He keeps trying to get on my good graces so I don't move out, since he can't afford our mortgage without my income and his girlfriend is cheap. But his girlfriend is a bad influence on him, so it is a constant circle. If you have the resources to live on your own, do it. Get a good friend as a roommate, to make the transition easier.
ReplyDeleteyes!!!! omg I think my dad and your dad should go golfing or something! My dad is 68, and his gf is 42!!! But other than that my dad seems like he dosent want to care or worry about anything anymore! He's like a wrekless teenager. Sometimes he wont come home, and other times he wont leave the house for days. I just have been feeling super alone, and exhausted, but I have to keep pushing in the hopes that things will improve. Im so happy that you have a supportive boyfriend, and like you I understand how the stress between you and your dad can affect your relationship. I have been in the same situation, and my relationship has taken a tole on my relationship. Thank you for your advice!!!
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