About a week ago, I took my one-year old son outside to play with some of the kids in my apartment building. This was his first time outside because I wasn't too confident is his walking since it's only been a few months since he started. The children who were outside were ages 3 (boy), 3 (boy), 3 (girl) and 8 (girl). At first I was being an overprotective mother but then I convinced myself to let him venture off on his own so that he could learn to be more social without my prescence (which he had no problem with). As I sat back and observed the children, I began to notice a pattern. It seemed as if the younger children were picking on my son (the 8-year old basically left the other children alone and did her own thing). So, I decided to pay close attention to what the children were doing and saying. I noticed that whenever my son picked up a toy (all of which were his own that I brought outside for him to play with) one of the 3-year olds would take it away from him and tell him "No, no baby." There was also a lot of snatching from him and saying "Haha! You can't have it" and then running away from him. Also, the children would not let him play any of their little games they invented on the spot. He was completely left out of their little alliance. Of course, as a mother, it really pissed me off to see these children mistreating my son but I allowed them to continue and only interfered when my son began to become upset. I didn't take him outside to conduct an observation, but once I noticed this "bullying" pattern, I wanted to pay close attention. My son did not seem to care about the other children and their antics; whenever they took something away from him, he found something else to occupy his time. However, this did make me wonder, is bullying something natural? I know that these children's parents did not teach them to pick on someone who is younger and smaller than they are, yet, I was watching it happen right before my eyes. They did not pick on those of their own size, only my little 1-year old. One of the 3-year old boys physically pushed my son TWICE because he leaned in to give him a kiss (he's a very affectionate child). My instinct was to defend my son but I just picked him up and took him away from the little boy. This really made me wonder where this type of behavior is learned and if it is not learned, where these children got these instincts from.
P.S.
By the end of the day, the mother in me wanted to kick some pre-school butt!! LoL
What a great post. Grist for conversation.
ReplyDeleteIt's great when "real life" also serves as a laboratory for sociological observation.
As for the content, since all groups appear to "stratify", maybe it is a "natural" thing that the older children seem to "boss" the younger ones. Bossing is what they observe their parents to do, and at that age, they are mirroring what they have seen.
It would be a very interesting experiment to divide children into three groups: those w permissive parents, those w authoritarian parents, and those w authoritative parents. Then put them in clusters with younger kids and see if the bossing differs.
Great post! what do others think?
I think it's nurture!
ReplyDeleteI grew up in the 80s, probably one of the last kids to get "hit" by teachers on the hands with a ruler for breaking the "Rules"
It was normal for me in my enclave to see other parents discipline other people's children without repercussions.
Society is so sensitive nowadays. We bendover backwards for belief minorities.. I digress.
Personally, I would've turned my ring around towards the palm of my hands and slapped that bully's parent for not teaching their kids common manners.
When I was 6-ish, I was playing on a playground with my little cousin who was around 3 or 4 at the time.. I saw him across the playground being picked on by bigger, 9-year old boys.. I went up to them and said 'LEAVE HIM ALONE' (my cousin) and they said to me 'well suck my ****!!" shocking, I know, but I quickly retorted "I BET YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE ONE" and the boy ran off crying.
ReplyDeleteChildren bullying I think is partly inborn and partly conditioned. I feel like some kids are born to be bullies and most kids just have mean tendencies in them anyway.. but as long as a parent can say to their child 'don't act that way' teaches them to rid their innate behavior to treat others that way.. I'm sure there are certain types of bullies who pick it up from others, but from personal experience I've found most kids act that way just because their parents don't say 'no'..
even as an adult, i still want to kick kids' butts for acting like that!! or even kick their parents' butts for not teaching their kids to not be little brats.
+ in response to "TheLoudOne"s comment, I totally agree. Children under 7ish have no reasoning like adults do, so you can't just say 'well, Francis, you must treat all children with equality because our forefathers believed all men are born equal and to blahblahblah' doesn't work.
ReplyDeletechildren are just like animals! Some may think I'm crazy for saying it, but they are. They respond to certain stimuli, and if it means a spank on the bum, then at least they learn. I was never emotionally or mentally scarred by being disciplined, because it taught me.
In the case of the 3 year olds, I agree with MT, that these children are most likely modeling their parents. In other words, mama and papa are bigger than me and they tell me no no no! and scold me, so it must be ok for big people to scold and boss little people. In that context, I don’t think it is particularly harmful. I may not even call it bullying because at that age they don’t have abstract reasoning. However, if that behavior carries on past 6 +, bullying can be a very serious problem.
ReplyDeleteI was viciously bullied when I was a child and it seriously affected the direction of my life. I generally think that bullies have been “bullied” themselves in some form. They must be modeling someone. I don’t necessarily think the parents are to blame, in terms of the way they are raising their children. Parents may be acting within socially acceptable parameters in the rearing of their children ( no displays of physical violence or overt verbal abuse) however, subtle competition and dominance displays could be exaggerated by a child. Also, even playful parental competitiveness towards a child could lead to frustration and feelings of powerlessness in that child. Or, it may have nothing to the parents at all, but frustration in other areas of the child’s life. As for the victims of bullying, I have often found that children that have few, if any, friends and low self-esteem were picked on the most, it was the loner, the strange child that didn’t fit in, that got picked on. The children with a strong sense of self weren’t bothered as much or were resourceful enough or popular enough to get support or help and protection from peers, teachers or parents. Ironically, I think the bullied and the bullies are flipsides of the same coin, both are acting out low self worth to some degree. The bullied child takes the beatings or runs out of fear and feelings of worthlessness and the one bullying, bullies because he/she feels worthless and wants to feel powerful and in control.
The real issue is that, until concerns of bullying arise, most parents don’t actively feel the need to instill compassion and empathy in their children. It is a non-issue. It isn’t a question of parental negligence, they just don’t think about it. Don’t get me wrong, there are some deficient parents out there that are horrible role models. But even when parents are cognizant of the effect they have on their children, being a good role model may not be enough. (You have children, you live your life, you feed and clothe them and you send them to school). Nobody really goes out of their way to preemptively discuss empathy and compassion. Although I don’t believe in “bad seeds,” I do think children need direct guidance so they can better understand the intensity of their feelings and the consequences of their actions. There should be a class, self-worth and empathy 101, that children should be taught as soon their little minds can comprehend it. I haven’t been in gradeschool in a while, but I don’t think it is part of the curriculum and it really should be.
After all that, I don’t necessarily think what you observed in the 1 and 3 year olds was bullying more than it was the modeling of corrective parenting behavior. They will most likely grow out of it.
Bhava: interesting about the two sides of the same coing (maybe bullied and bulliers are cut of the same cloth).
ReplyDeleteIs there research on that to substantiate?